Not Knowing Where You Want to be is Ok
If you’re anything like me, you put a ton of pressure on yourself. Pressure to succeed in jobs, relationships, anything you set your mind to. If you’re anything like me, you also have a creative vision, and if it doesn't get realized in a timely manor it can be incredibly frustrating.
All throughout my late teens and early twenties, art and drawing was my “thing”. I was going to get into galleries, sell my work online, grow my audience, collab with other artists. I was going to make it in the art/design world and no one was going to stop me. Well, someone did. I stopped me. I didn't fall out of love with art, I don't think I’ll ever stop creating, but suddenly I didn't have as much drive to be a “successful artist” (what does that even mean?) as I once did. Quick as a flash, I suddenly wanted to write novels, blog, travel, photograph, and an array of other things.
Lately I’ve had the same questions running around in my head over and over; what’s the one thing I’m going to choose to focus on, and throw all my energy at? If I’m mediocre at a lot of things and not amazing at one thing, will I ever ‘make it’? Where am I supposed to be, where am I meant to end up, what am I meant to be doing?
These questions compiled with an ever growing list of rejections from literary agents for my first novel has put me in a bit of a rut at the moment. I’ve always been a ‘get it done now’ person, and at this point I’m at a loss to know what my next move should be. I’ve always been someone who had a plan with a clear goal and a path to get me there, and I’d keep throwing my shoulder at the wall until it finally came crumbling down and I could jump to the next obstacle.
But now it seems I have some soul searching and figuring out to do. And what I’m learning is, that’s ok. Doesn't that sound crazy? It’s obviously something I know, and advice I’d give my friends. It’s ok to be confused, and to not have your footing at all times. But somehow when it’s you you have to give advice to, it’s a lot harder to believe it.
I know there’s no time limit, and that life isn't a race. I know some people switch dreams and passions in their 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, and are doing what they love and couldn't be happier. But let’s be real, it still gets frustrating! But, am I nuts for thinking that that frustration is a good thing? As much as it sucks to be in a spot where you don't know your next move, or you're getting rejected, I think that’s when you probably do your most learning and growing, and it’s that time period that’s probably going to catapult you to your next big step. Or perhaps I’m wishful thinking?
If nothing else, if anyone else is dealing with this right now please know you’re not alone. Creative frustration is real, and when your once-solidified dreams suddenly go astray it can be really disheartening. But I know I love to write, and I know my second full length piece is coming along steadily and that’s keeping me going right now. Along with the knowledge that feeling like this is only temporary..I hope!